Here’s What Really Happened
Despite conflicting reports of the actual events of that infamous night, attendants and revelers agree the after-party got way out of hand. According to officials, the temple shut down as soon as Iris appeared. However, Hebe insisted the post-show go on. Traditionally, after a large worship, the gods are treated to a feast, attended by mortals. Sometime during this feast, a jester was brought in to amuse the crowd.
The investigation showed the clown had proclaimed himself a wine porter while awaiting the arrival of Hebe and Athena. Throughout the investigation, he repeatedly insisted it was his duty to keep tasting.
Regardless of his intoxication, witnesses agree, the joke started out amicably. The jester had the gods laughing hysterically, suggesting income ideas. Hilarious images of the young goddess as a farmer or milkmaid had the entire audience bellowing. The laughter even briefly continued as he suggested a tell-all book. One witness summed it up, “He just took it too far. When he suggested it be recurring episodes, you could hear the laughs fall away. He started with a simple title – Here’s What Really Happened. They laughed at that. They even laughed at the thought of Hebe as a young child, hiding behind tapestries. But then he named the episodes. That’s when it changed.”
As ideas came, the jester laughed louder and louder, “At Colchis!” Fewer gods were amused. The mortal didn’t notice. “Haha, remember Saturnalia? I’m talking to you Hermes!” Only three or four nervous chuckles at this point. The jester was oblivious. “Ok, let’s talk about the nymph’s Grove. Haha! Who has a Worm farm?!?” slapping his knee, gasping from the laughter.
Without warning, the jester was turned into a hyena, mid-laugh. No one has come forward with information as to which god acted. Without a clear perpetrator and in light of his inebriation, he likely has little legal recourse. Officials insist there will be no further investigation into the matter. As to whether we can ever read that book, The Athenian has reached out to the offices of Time, but he hasn’t told yet.